the way you're supposed to read it is via the doc in the OP, the actual message here is because you guys are lazy
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reading in google docs is better in every single wayDM FOR MUTUAL wrote: 6z15h
noooooooo i'm too lazy to go on the google doc i just wanna read it on the threadPatatitta wrote: 5t25
the way you're supposed to read it is via the doc in the OP, the actual message here is because you guys are lazy
you don't have to queue, just plan put your chapters for your story, write like 1 or 2 chapters in one week and then send them to the potato manMrMcMikey22 wrote: 6l396f
arghh okay fine i'll just give this an awful shot at my awful writing skills... -_-
/queue
in case if i have to sign up or something...
You can take all the time you need to write, no need to rush. It's just that chapters are released weekly.B0ii wrote: 33m13
you don't have to queue, just plan put your chapters for your story, write like 1 or 2 chapters in one week and then send them to the potato manMrMcMikey22 wrote: 6l396f
arghh okay fine i'll just give this an awful shot at my awful writing skills... -_-
/queue
in case if i have to sign up or something...
there are 3 other editors, i'm not supposed to be the only one doing things + it's not out of lazyness, I actually just couldn't finish it yesterday. The chapter was submited yesterday like just before I had to go outside, when I came back home it was pretty late and I barely did anything before going to sleep. If this was my analysis thread I would delay this chapter by like 3 days just because you guys are so fucking impatient apparentlyManishh wrote: 2k5q58
Just say you are lazyPatatitta wrote: 5t25
bitch I have a life outside of ot you know, I will edit the chapter whenever I am willing to do soCorne2Plum3 wrote: 3y1z1p
We're waiting
anyways here is the chapter, only 1 chapter this week, apparently everyone is busy or lazy
corne chapter
Chapter 2: The Science Academy
Moon 6.2: Awoomun / Villeloup-Sur-Mer / Fluffy’s hut
2310/04/22 02:30 UTC+2 (Yoony’s time converted)
I had quite a long journey yesterday, and I was really tired... I just wanted to do one thing tonight: sleeping. I looked at the time and it's still late at night, the sunrise wouldn’t be coming soon. However, the activity outside is far from being calm... In fact, I'm starting to hear howls coming from everywhere in the forest I am surrounded by. I guess it's hunting time...
And this doesn't disturb me. In fact, the grosloups like me have their night splitted in two parts. We're awake the whole day for sure, but there's a part of the night, for about one third of the night time, where we're awake, probably one of our primal urges. Usually we're either hunting for food like we do every time, or some other grosloups are discussing to each other, or just spend time together, for example dancing, drinking or playing games, but overall it's something calm and which doesn't cause stress: in fact, almost nobody is working, maybe a few bartenders but it's because they want to do it.
The howls are a call for gathering grosloups for hunting. It's something we do every night. We get in packs to hunt prey, either for ourselves or others. It's a bit more dangerous hunting at night, even with our night vision, as the most dangerous animals in the forest are awake at night. But this isn't really a big deal if we're careful. The last time I ed a hunting night was 2 days ago. I had fun to be honest, and I managed to hunt 3 prey, one of them was almost as big as me. All my friends were jealous. I don't really consider myself as a good hunter: you have some grosloups which are professional at it and are much more efficient than anyone else. I'd say I had some luck, and luck is quite an important factor thinking about it...
But tonight, I'm not going to take part in hunting, I’m too tired and I have to wake up quite early for school tomorrow, as soon as the sun rises up. I'm really sleepy right now, so for now, I'm just going to rest.
A few hours later, the sun starts to rise. The sun is barely visible, only adding a few traces of red and orange to the beautiful night sky. It seems like the weather is going to be good today. I get up, and start eating the leftovers of the animal I hunted down yesterday.
After eating, I turn on my personal computer. I check if I have received any new messages, with the exception of spam, there are none. There is still some time left until school starts, so I continue checking the internet.
I browse a local news website that covers hunting news. I first see a picture of a gigantic quadruped furred animal laying on the floor, and a group of 12 grosloups. The animal is very massive and the grosloups looks very small next to it. They claim to have killed it without any weapons. They also claim that It took 1 hour to hunt. Below that I see another post of a grosloup running at a very fast speed on all fours, then accidently hitting a tree right in the head. This is really hilarious, and the laugh from the camera's holder and his friends adds to the fun.
After my morning dose of the internet, I pick up my stuff and go to school, the Science Academy of Villeloup-Sur-Mer. It's about a 20 minute walk from my hut. I go outside and go down my tree, walk about a couple of hundred meters to reach a large wooden platform, with gondola lifts on it. We don't have personal vehicles here, or they're very rare, and usually are stuck in restricted areas of the city, because it's mostly forest with giant trees. And as there isn't much flat areas, and there are buildings and huts several dozens meters above the floor, we have in Villeloup-Sur-Mer a whole system of gondola lifts, which goes everywhere across the forest part of the city, if you look above you on the ground you can see the cables and the cabins going through some trees. Most of the stops are above the floor, attached to a tree several dozens meters above the floor. But the cabin I'm taking is very large and leads directly to the District of Laconnaissance, in about 8 minutes, and during the ride you can see the coast, the ocean, and some buildings made out of stone and wood, where most humans of the city are located.
The Laconnaissance district is quite different from the rest of the city. Actually located in a zone devoid of trees, it's a group of streets with the ground covered by stones and pavements and modern and high buildings. This district is full of humans and grosloups with a huge interest in science and technology. There are large laboratories, libraries and museums. There are a few humans and grosloups, but also species from other planets, such as monkeys or a few Sipos, which are basically small colored creatures made of slime.
This part of Villeloup-Sur-Mer is known as the place of the moon for knowledge, you have grosloups coming from everywhere in the moon regularly visiting the Laconnaissance district. And this is not only a place known locally on our moon, but also a place recognized in the entire system for its innovations and its discoveries. For example, last year, a group of 5 grosloups created a large weapon which threw a large net at very fast speed, able to detect the target, and aim towards it to make it stuck. Clearly for hunting it would be overpowered, that is why in Awoomun, we rarely use it... But this got interest from people from other planets, and sometimes for other purposes, so they documented it, started selling some, and gave the ability to people from other planets to produce this weapon on their own for their needs.
My school, the Science Academy, is a very large school, located at Laconnaissance district. There are around 1500 grosloups, 200 humans, and 100 from other planets. This school is specialized into several scientific domains, such as physics, chemistry, technology, aeronautics, or even computer science. As far as I know it's the most well known science school, and you usually after the hi-school (and with good grades). I walk until reaching a very large and imposing door, which is the entrance. But it's closed. This door is rarely open, and used to let very large vehicles and machines entering and leaving... The real entrance that most people uses is just 2 larges and curved doors made out of glass. As I approach, the door opens and I can enter inside.
I'm at the entrance of the Science Academy of Villeloup-Sur-Mer. The room has lots of windows letting the sunlight enter, a large water fountain at the center and on the wall, some showcases of innovations or machines the students made in this school or in their career. I go on the left to access the classroom, then a familiar grosloup spots me and tell me "Oh, hi Fluffy." His name is Bertolf ‘Baudouin’ Framboise, his fur is light gray with a few traces of pink on his head, and almost as long as mine.
Fluffy: "Hi Baudouin."
Baudouin: "I didn't see you tonight, what were you doing?"[/color]
Fluffy: "I was very tired, I just wanted to sleep."
Baudouin: "I see. Still sleeping a lot I guess?"
Fluffy: "You're exaggerating!"
Baudouin: "You know it's the truth, Fluffy. Everyone in the class knows you spend most of your nights on the internet, then the next day you're sleepy at class..."
Fluffy: "No I'm not!"
I know there is some truth about what he said, but I don't sleep in class.
Baudouin: "Anyways what did you do yesterday after school?"
Fluffy: "I just finished the math exercises for today then hunted a prey, as big as this," I say while opening my arms, and using my paws to show a distance of 180 centimeters. "And in first try"
Baudouin: "Wow okay... Not bad."
Then another grosloup entered. He's quite muscular, but smaller than me and Baudouin. His name is Osmon ‘Armel’ Dufort He walks towards us and tells us quite loudly: "I hope you've seen the picture of the large beast I hunted with my friends this night, this was epic."
He's clearly talking about the picture of the large beast that has been killed by a group I've seen this morning on the internet, he was in the picture.
Fluffy: "I saw the picture on the internet this morning. I guess you have struggled to kill it, right?"
Armel: "Of course it was hard as fuck, we has to plan a strategy and synchronize our attack, and also digging through his skin with our claws, and it was long..."
Armel grabs his phone and shows it to Baudouin and shows the picture. Baudouin is in awe.
Baudouin: "Wow. I didn't even know it was possible to kill such a large beast without any weapon."[/color]
Armel: "This is just skill hahaha."
I start walking into the class and the others follow me. Once we enter the classroom, we see that other people are already here, just chatting with each other. I sit at a corner at the front and Armel and Baudouin sit next to me. We wait for the teacher to enter, and during this time we discuss with each other. We're only 20 in our class.
Once the teacher arrives, she stands in front of us, in front of the large screen used to display presentations but also write on it. Also she looks quite small next to us, as she's a human. He's Ms. Johnson, our math teacher and also our main teacher for the year. And she seems to have a big announcement for us.
Ms. Johnson: "Hello dear students. As you expected for quite a while now, we're actually going to the Space Station No.9, the main hub of the entire system, the meeting points of the different populations. But when you may ask? We finally have the date."
Suddenly, the class becomes quiet and everyone pays attention to the teacher. We knew that we’re going to the Space Station this year, but we didn’t know when, and we've been waiting for this moment for quite a while.
Ms. Johnson: “So. All of you are going to the Space Station for a duration of 80 days, in 4 days.”
Everyone screams in joy as they hear we’re actually going to the space station in only 4 days. For me and most of the grosloups here, it’s going to be the first time we’re going to space, or even going inside of a spaceship. I was always curious to see what’s above us, and we’re going to see it for real.
Ms. Johnson: “During this time you will be studying with students from different planets, such as Yoony, Harmonia, Denera, and probably others. You will discover how they live here, how they work, you will visit laboratories, factories, and learn things you have never seen before. And for the grosloups in this class, this may be quite difficult to adapt, as there isn’t as grass as you're used to, and people don’t hunt prey to get their food. Also some structures may not be adapted for your large bodies…”
Armel, to me and Baudouin: “Why does she say that to us in particular?”
Baudouin: “Because our lifestyle is much different than the other intelligent species of the star system, as she said. Their night isn’t split in 2 parts, they don’t hunt prey in the middle of the forest like wild animals. And for the structure, yes in some cases it may be a problem for us. Don’t forget we’re above 3 meters in height, which is huge compared to the other species… I’ve entered several spaceships before that humans use, and I could only move on all fours, and when laying on their bed I had my feet on the floor…”
Armel: “You serious!? The beds were that small?”
Baudouin: “Yes. You agree with me, Fluffy, right? When I visited a spaceship with you last week.”
Fluffy: “He’s right.”
Baudouin: “See?”
Armel: “Oh okay… However I hope there will be something both on the spaceship and the space station to do something with our paws, I can’t stay more than 6 hours without moving…”
Baudouin: “It should be good, don't worry. And as we’re 20 students plus some teachers are coming too, we’re going to have a large spaceship for sure.”
Once everyone calms down, which doesn’t take more than 2 minutes, Ms. Johnson continues : “I would like to know but who never left the moon? If yes, raise your hand.”
I raise my paw. Armel too. Every grosloup except Baudouin raised their hand, and also a few humans living in Villeloup-Sur-Mer. Baudouin actually went to Denera, orbiting around Kepler like Awoomun when he was young with his family.
Ms. Johnson: “Oh, 13 students? It’s more than last year. Anyways you’ll leave the moon and see something new.”
She spent 10 more minutes giving more details about this trip, before starting the math class, and continuing the course about integration, but we can’t stop thinking about the long trip at the Space Station No.9.
Moon 6.2: Awoomun / Villeloup-Sur-Mer / Fluffy’s hut
2310/04/22 02:30 UTC+2 (Yoony’s time converted)
I had quite a long journey yesterday, and I was really tired... I just wanted to do one thing tonight: sleeping. I looked at the time and it's still late at night, the sunrise wouldn’t be coming soon. However, the activity outside is far from being calm... In fact, I'm starting to hear howls coming from everywhere in the forest I am surrounded by. I guess it's hunting time...
And this doesn't disturb me. In fact, the grosloups like me have their night splitted in two parts. We're awake the whole day for sure, but there's a part of the night, for about one third of the night time, where we're awake, probably one of our primal urges. Usually we're either hunting for food like we do every time, or some other grosloups are discussing to each other, or just spend time together, for example dancing, drinking or playing games, but overall it's something calm and which doesn't cause stress: in fact, almost nobody is working, maybe a few bartenders but it's because they want to do it.
The howls are a call for gathering grosloups for hunting. It's something we do every night. We get in packs to hunt prey, either for ourselves or others. It's a bit more dangerous hunting at night, even with our night vision, as the most dangerous animals in the forest are awake at night. But this isn't really a big deal if we're careful. The last time I ed a hunting night was 2 days ago. I had fun to be honest, and I managed to hunt 3 prey, one of them was almost as big as me. All my friends were jealous. I don't really consider myself as a good hunter: you have some grosloups which are professional at it and are much more efficient than anyone else. I'd say I had some luck, and luck is quite an important factor thinking about it...
But tonight, I'm not going to take part in hunting, I’m too tired and I have to wake up quite early for school tomorrow, as soon as the sun rises up. I'm really sleepy right now, so for now, I'm just going to rest.
A few hours later, the sun starts to rise. The sun is barely visible, only adding a few traces of red and orange to the beautiful night sky. It seems like the weather is going to be good today. I get up, and start eating the leftovers of the animal I hunted down yesterday.
After eating, I turn on my personal computer. I check if I have received any new messages, with the exception of spam, there are none. There is still some time left until school starts, so I continue checking the internet.
I browse a local news website that covers hunting news. I first see a picture of a gigantic quadruped furred animal laying on the floor, and a group of 12 grosloups. The animal is very massive and the grosloups looks very small next to it. They claim to have killed it without any weapons. They also claim that It took 1 hour to hunt. Below that I see another post of a grosloup running at a very fast speed on all fours, then accidently hitting a tree right in the head. This is really hilarious, and the laugh from the camera's holder and his friends adds to the fun.
After my morning dose of the internet, I pick up my stuff and go to school, the Science Academy of Villeloup-Sur-Mer. It's about a 20 minute walk from my hut. I go outside and go down my tree, walk about a couple of hundred meters to reach a large wooden platform, with gondola lifts on it. We don't have personal vehicles here, or they're very rare, and usually are stuck in restricted areas of the city, because it's mostly forest with giant trees. And as there isn't much flat areas, and there are buildings and huts several dozens meters above the floor, we have in Villeloup-Sur-Mer a whole system of gondola lifts, which goes everywhere across the forest part of the city, if you look above you on the ground you can see the cables and the cabins going through some trees. Most of the stops are above the floor, attached to a tree several dozens meters above the floor. But the cabin I'm taking is very large and leads directly to the District of Laconnaissance, in about 8 minutes, and during the ride you can see the coast, the ocean, and some buildings made out of stone and wood, where most humans of the city are located.
The Laconnaissance district is quite different from the rest of the city. Actually located in a zone devoid of trees, it's a group of streets with the ground covered by stones and pavements and modern and high buildings. This district is full of humans and grosloups with a huge interest in science and technology. There are large laboratories, libraries and museums. There are a few humans and grosloups, but also species from other planets, such as monkeys or a few Sipos, which are basically small colored creatures made of slime.
This part of Villeloup-Sur-Mer is known as the place of the moon for knowledge, you have grosloups coming from everywhere in the moon regularly visiting the Laconnaissance district. And this is not only a place known locally on our moon, but also a place recognized in the entire system for its innovations and its discoveries. For example, last year, a group of 5 grosloups created a large weapon which threw a large net at very fast speed, able to detect the target, and aim towards it to make it stuck. Clearly for hunting it would be overpowered, that is why in Awoomun, we rarely use it... But this got interest from people from other planets, and sometimes for other purposes, so they documented it, started selling some, and gave the ability to people from other planets to produce this weapon on their own for their needs.
My school, the Science Academy, is a very large school, located at Laconnaissance district. There are around 1500 grosloups, 200 humans, and 100 from other planets. This school is specialized into several scientific domains, such as physics, chemistry, technology, aeronautics, or even computer science. As far as I know it's the most well known science school, and you usually after the hi-school (and with good grades). I walk until reaching a very large and imposing door, which is the entrance. But it's closed. This door is rarely open, and used to let very large vehicles and machines entering and leaving... The real entrance that most people uses is just 2 larges and curved doors made out of glass. As I approach, the door opens and I can enter inside.
I'm at the entrance of the Science Academy of Villeloup-Sur-Mer. The room has lots of windows letting the sunlight enter, a large water fountain at the center and on the wall, some showcases of innovations or machines the students made in this school or in their career. I go on the left to access the classroom, then a familiar grosloup spots me and tell me "Oh, hi Fluffy." His name is Bertolf ‘Baudouin’ Framboise, his fur is light gray with a few traces of pink on his head, and almost as long as mine.
Fluffy: "Hi Baudouin."
Baudouin: "I didn't see you tonight, what were you doing?"[/color]
Fluffy: "I was very tired, I just wanted to sleep."
Baudouin: "I see. Still sleeping a lot I guess?"
Fluffy: "You're exaggerating!"
Baudouin: "You know it's the truth, Fluffy. Everyone in the class knows you spend most of your nights on the internet, then the next day you're sleepy at class..."
Fluffy: "No I'm not!"
I know there is some truth about what he said, but I don't sleep in class.
Baudouin: "Anyways what did you do yesterday after school?"
Fluffy: "I just finished the math exercises for today then hunted a prey, as big as this," I say while opening my arms, and using my paws to show a distance of 180 centimeters. "And in first try"
Baudouin: "Wow okay... Not bad."
Then another grosloup entered. He's quite muscular, but smaller than me and Baudouin. His name is Osmon ‘Armel’ Dufort He walks towards us and tells us quite loudly: "I hope you've seen the picture of the large beast I hunted with my friends this night, this was epic."
He's clearly talking about the picture of the large beast that has been killed by a group I've seen this morning on the internet, he was in the picture.
Fluffy: "I saw the picture on the internet this morning. I guess you have struggled to kill it, right?"
Armel: "Of course it was hard as fuck, we has to plan a strategy and synchronize our attack, and also digging through his skin with our claws, and it was long..."
Armel grabs his phone and shows it to Baudouin and shows the picture. Baudouin is in awe.
Baudouin: "Wow. I didn't even know it was possible to kill such a large beast without any weapon."[/color]
Armel: "This is just skill hahaha."
I start walking into the class and the others follow me. Once we enter the classroom, we see that other people are already here, just chatting with each other. I sit at a corner at the front and Armel and Baudouin sit next to me. We wait for the teacher to enter, and during this time we discuss with each other. We're only 20 in our class.
Once the teacher arrives, she stands in front of us, in front of the large screen used to display presentations but also write on it. Also she looks quite small next to us, as she's a human. He's Ms. Johnson, our math teacher and also our main teacher for the year. And she seems to have a big announcement for us.
Ms. Johnson: "Hello dear students. As you expected for quite a while now, we're actually going to the Space Station No.9, the main hub of the entire system, the meeting points of the different populations. But when you may ask? We finally have the date."
Suddenly, the class becomes quiet and everyone pays attention to the teacher. We knew that we’re going to the Space Station this year, but we didn’t know when, and we've been waiting for this moment for quite a while.
Ms. Johnson: “So. All of you are going to the Space Station for a duration of 80 days, in 4 days.”
Everyone screams in joy as they hear we’re actually going to the space station in only 4 days. For me and most of the grosloups here, it’s going to be the first time we’re going to space, or even going inside of a spaceship. I was always curious to see what’s above us, and we’re going to see it for real.
Ms. Johnson: “During this time you will be studying with students from different planets, such as Yoony, Harmonia, Denera, and probably others. You will discover how they live here, how they work, you will visit laboratories, factories, and learn things you have never seen before. And for the grosloups in this class, this may be quite difficult to adapt, as there isn’t as grass as you're used to, and people don’t hunt prey to get their food. Also some structures may not be adapted for your large bodies…”
Armel, to me and Baudouin: “Why does she say that to us in particular?”
Baudouin: “Because our lifestyle is much different than the other intelligent species of the star system, as she said. Their night isn’t split in 2 parts, they don’t hunt prey in the middle of the forest like wild animals. And for the structure, yes in some cases it may be a problem for us. Don’t forget we’re above 3 meters in height, which is huge compared to the other species… I’ve entered several spaceships before that humans use, and I could only move on all fours, and when laying on their bed I had my feet on the floor…”
Armel: “You serious!? The beds were that small?”
Baudouin: “Yes. You agree with me, Fluffy, right? When I visited a spaceship with you last week.”
Fluffy: “He’s right.”
Baudouin: “See?”
Armel: “Oh okay… However I hope there will be something both on the spaceship and the space station to do something with our paws, I can’t stay more than 6 hours without moving…”
Baudouin: “It should be good, don't worry. And as we’re 20 students plus some teachers are coming too, we’re going to have a large spaceship for sure.”
Once everyone calms down, which doesn’t take more than 2 minutes, Ms. Johnson continues : “I would like to know but who never left the moon? If yes, raise your hand.”
I raise my paw. Armel too. Every grosloup except Baudouin raised their hand, and also a few humans living in Villeloup-Sur-Mer. Baudouin actually went to Denera, orbiting around Kepler like Awoomun when he was young with his family.
Ms. Johnson: “Oh, 13 students? It’s more than last year. Anyways you’ll leave the moon and see something new.”
She spent 10 more minutes giving more details about this trip, before starting the math class, and continuing the course about integration, but we can’t stop thinking about the long trip at the Space Station No.9.
Argh I finally finished my shitty story.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/19_EkHFxIV04by2ouCd-G8RzP3llD_8RPVWp5UQeiH7Q/edit?usp=sharing
Also here's the text file just in case...
https://files.catbox.moe/qn6pdd.txt
https://docs.google.com/document/d/19_EkHFxIV04by2ouCd-G8RzP3llD_8RPVWp5UQeiH7Q/edit?usp=sharing
Also here's the text file just in case...
https://files.catbox.moe/qn6pdd.txt
MrMcMikey22 wrote: 6l396f
Argh I finally finished my shitty story.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/19_EkHFxIV04by2ouCd-G8RzP3llD_8RPVWp5UQeiH7Q/edit?usp=sharing
Also here's the text file just in case...
https://files.catbox.moe/qn6pdd.txt
I decided to read your chapter. All I can say for improvement is to show more. A big area to implement that is during conversations between characters within the story. Show their emotions, not just add "???". Develop the characters as well; give them characteristics. What is the bunker made out of? I know you get a general idea of it right off the bat, but it is free words. What is the temperature like? I don't think that has ever been displayed, nor the look of the outside once the goodbye scene comes by. When going down to the basement, what does the entrance, the walls, the stairs, or ladder look like? Such details will be useful for creating vivid imagery and will also allow you to further expand your story (free words woo).
I don't know if this was already edited, but these are just tips for you. You seem to have a sense of creating imagery from character reactions, so I think you would be able to include words with reactions, such as "smile".
okay please read the main thread, you're not supposed to post it like this, you were supposed to dm me the story so I can edit the story and add you to the next batch, please for the love of god read the OP before posting, currently this story is non-canonical because of thatMrMcMikey22 wrote: 6l396f
Argh I finally finished my shitty story.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/19_EkHFxIV04by2ouCd-G8RzP3llD_8RPVWp5UQeiH7Q/edit?usp=sharing
Also here's the text file just in case...
https://files.catbox.moe/qn6pdd.txt
if i see "week" i think monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday and sundayPatatitta wrote: 5t25
okay if your brain sees week and thinks fnf that's your problem, because if not I will be killing myselfsametdze wrote: 1l1a4s
nah bro "week 2" 💀 bro think he's making an fnf mod 💀💀💀💀
but if i see week next to any number i either think of papa louie games or fnf and this time fnf won even though my brain has not thought of fnf in like 2 years
that's brainrotsametdze wrote: 1l1a4s
if i see "week" i think monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday and sundayPatatitta wrote: 5t25
okay if your brain sees week and thinks fnf that's your problem, because if not I will be killing myselfsametdze wrote: 1l1a4s
nah bro "week 2" 💀 bro think he's making an fnf mod 💀💀💀💀
but if i see week next to any number i either think of papa louie games or fnf and this time fnf won even though my brain has not thought of fnf in like 2 years
chapter by nominomu
~ Chapter 1 ~
What if a country disappeared?
Nori | November 30, 2399
In an insignificant space station orbiting Yoony from 274,903 km away, there was an insignificant cat cafe. The space station’s name was Space Station No.8, and the cat cafe’s name was Nyanko Cafe.
Space Station No.8 (often shortened to SS8) was home to two major companies: Pinecone Packing and Shinestar Shipping. The station merely served as a transport hub to deliver goods between Yoony and other space stations, primarily Space Station No.9 (SS9). About half of SS8 citizens worked in one of those two companies. Most of the others worked in various essential local sectors, such as construction, healthcare or jobs for the government. And then there were the non-essential, insignificant businesses such as Nyanko Cafe.
However, all of that information about SS8 was actually insignificant, as Nori, one of the owners of Nyanko Cafe, was about to find out. Nori and her friend Kai started the business five years ago and have run the business together ever since. To them, Nyanko Cafe was very significant, despite being an insignificant business on an insignificant space station. Nori was watching TV in her house when the clock struck midnight, and she received the most significant piece of news since the opening of Nyanko Cafe over five years ago.
Every single TV channel in SS8 switched to the breaking news at exactly 12 am, as if it was the end of the world. And that’s because, technically, it was.
🐈 🐈 🐈
Anime Channel 15: Live Broadcast Transcript
12:00am, Monday, November 30, 2399
News Reporter: Hello, and we are sorry to interrupt your regular programme. This is an important official announcement from the government of Space Station No.8n that Space Station No.8 is closing. Due to the insignificance of our space station in the transport industry, the international community has deemed it inefficient and too expensive. We are seeing less and less demand as all kinds of sentient species are increasingly relying on the newer and much larger Space Station No.10 for their transport demands. Our total GDP is 3% of Space Station No.10’s GDP, and this will continue to fall over time.
Because Space Station No.7 is almost filled to the maximum capacity of people, the Space Station No.8 government along with Shinestar Shipping and Pinecone Packaging have decided to purchase land on the surface of Space Station No.9. Shinestar Shipping and Pinecone Packaging have each bought private land for their own employees. If you are from one of these two companies, your employer will provide you with information regarding the change. Because these two businesses are the most significant in Space Station No.8, their executives have been informed and consulted beforehand. Land for other businesses have been collectively bought by the Space Station No.8 government. If you are not from Shinestar Shipping or Pinecone Packaging, we will soon launch a website that allows you to view your designated piece of land on Space Station No.9, approximately equal to the size of your current land on Space Station No.8.
The government of Space Station No.8 will dissolve at 12am on January 1, 2400. Unless you migrate to another country, you will automatically be granted citizenship of Space Station No.9. We have worked with their government to ensure migrants have a place to stay. The Space Station No.8 government will fund transport costs for migrants to Space Station No.9.
Thanks for listening to this announcement. You can find out more on our website at https://termination.gov.ss8. Regular programmes will resume now.
🐈 🐈 🐈
Nori switched off the TV, along with probably half of SS8’s population.
Space Station No.9 was a much bigger place than the tiny transport hub Nori was used to. And although she would be sent to the Surface of SS9, instead of the dangerous Underground, she knew the future of Nyanko Cafe was uncertain.
Nori and Kai, the owners of Nyanko Cafe, were young and bubbly, and together with twelve cats and an enthusiastic team of staff they always put a smile on the faces of anyone who walked into the cafe. Entry into the cafe was free, so most people just came in to play with the cats, and the place became very popular in SS8. People would regularly go to Nyanko Cafe as a leisure place, and it was a really good one. Some people bought human food or cat food as well, and because of its local popularity the cafe made a decent amount of profit. That was their business model, and it worked here, but would it work in SS9? Would anyone ever stop by a building full of cats and decide to actually buy food? The inhabitants of SS9’s surface were busy contract workers, so would they have time to go to a random cafe? And why would they go to Nyanko Cafe when so many other cafes already exist in such a large city?
Nori took a deep breath and looked out the window of her bedroom. Her apartment unit was high above the ground, so she could see the entire space station from the window. The space station’s global artificial lighting was turned off as it was midnight, but there were buildings everywhere with lights that looked like little dots on the ground. Beyond about a kilometer of land, there was a huge metal wall, a boundary of the city that could never be expanded. It was a tiny indoor city with a border that could always be seen. And it was an insignificant city, but to Nori there was nowhere in the universe more significant than Space Station No.8, a city so insignificant it would no longer exist in a month.
Like many people in SS8 that night, Nori’s head was filled with thoughts about the uncertain future as she slowly drifted asleep.
In an insignificant space station orbiting Yoony from 274,903 km away, there was an insignificant cat cafe. The space station’s name was Space Station No.8, and the cat cafe’s name was Nyanko Cafe.
Space Station No.8 (often shortened to SS8) was home to two major companies: Pinecone Packing and Shinestar Shipping. The station merely served as a transport hub to deliver goods between Yoony and other space stations, primarily Space Station No.9 (SS9). About half of SS8 citizens worked in one of those two companies. Most of the others worked in various essential local sectors, such as construction, healthcare or jobs for the government. And then there were the non-essential, insignificant businesses such as Nyanko Cafe.
However, all of that information about SS8 was actually insignificant, as Nori, one of the owners of Nyanko Cafe, was about to find out. Nori and her friend Kai started the business five years ago and have run the business together ever since. To them, Nyanko Cafe was very significant, despite being an insignificant business on an insignificant space station. Nori was watching TV in her house when the clock struck midnight, and she received the most significant piece of news since the opening of Nyanko Cafe over five years ago.
Every single TV channel in SS8 switched to the breaking news at exactly 12 am, as if it was the end of the world. And that’s because, technically, it was.
🐈 🐈 🐈
Anime Channel 15: Live Broadcast Transcript
12:00am, Monday, November 30, 2399
News Reporter: Hello, and we are sorry to interrupt your regular programme. This is an important official announcement from the government of Space Station No.8n that Space Station No.8 is closing. Due to the insignificance of our space station in the transport industry, the international community has deemed it inefficient and too expensive. We are seeing less and less demand as all kinds of sentient species are increasingly relying on the newer and much larger Space Station No.10 for their transport demands. Our total GDP is 3% of Space Station No.10’s GDP, and this will continue to fall over time.
Because Space Station No.7 is almost filled to the maximum capacity of people, the Space Station No.8 government along with Shinestar Shipping and Pinecone Packaging have decided to purchase land on the surface of Space Station No.9. Shinestar Shipping and Pinecone Packaging have each bought private land for their own employees. If you are from one of these two companies, your employer will provide you with information regarding the change. Because these two businesses are the most significant in Space Station No.8, their executives have been informed and consulted beforehand. Land for other businesses have been collectively bought by the Space Station No.8 government. If you are not from Shinestar Shipping or Pinecone Packaging, we will soon launch a website that allows you to view your designated piece of land on Space Station No.9, approximately equal to the size of your current land on Space Station No.8.
The government of Space Station No.8 will dissolve at 12am on January 1, 2400. Unless you migrate to another country, you will automatically be granted citizenship of Space Station No.9. We have worked with their government to ensure migrants have a place to stay. The Space Station No.8 government will fund transport costs for migrants to Space Station No.9.
Thanks for listening to this announcement. You can find out more on our website at https://termination.gov.ss8. Regular programmes will resume now.
🐈 🐈 🐈
Nori switched off the TV, along with probably half of SS8’s population.
Space Station No.9 was a much bigger place than the tiny transport hub Nori was used to. And although she would be sent to the Surface of SS9, instead of the dangerous Underground, she knew the future of Nyanko Cafe was uncertain.
Nori and Kai, the owners of Nyanko Cafe, were young and bubbly, and together with twelve cats and an enthusiastic team of staff they always put a smile on the faces of anyone who walked into the cafe. Entry into the cafe was free, so most people just came in to play with the cats, and the place became very popular in SS8. People would regularly go to Nyanko Cafe as a leisure place, and it was a really good one. Some people bought human food or cat food as well, and because of its local popularity the cafe made a decent amount of profit. That was their business model, and it worked here, but would it work in SS9? Would anyone ever stop by a building full of cats and decide to actually buy food? The inhabitants of SS9’s surface were busy contract workers, so would they have time to go to a random cafe? And why would they go to Nyanko Cafe when so many other cafes already exist in such a large city?
Nori took a deep breath and looked out the window of her bedroom. Her apartment unit was high above the ground, so she could see the entire space station from the window. The space station’s global artificial lighting was turned off as it was midnight, but there were buildings everywhere with lights that looked like little dots on the ground. Beyond about a kilometer of land, there was a huge metal wall, a boundary of the city that could never be expanded. It was a tiny indoor city with a border that could always be seen. And it was an insignificant city, but to Nori there was nowhere in the universe more significant than Space Station No.8, a city so insignificant it would no longer exist in a month.
Like many people in SS8 that night, Nori’s head was filled with thoughts about the uncertain future as she slowly drifted asleep.
Wish I saw more about the places, such as their interior. But, I like the idea of this story and where it is going.Patatitta wrote: 5t25
chapter by nominomu
~ Chapter 1 ~
What if a country disappeared?
Nori | November 30, 2399
In an insignificant space station orbiting Yoony from 274,903 km away, there was an insignificant cat cafe. The space station’s name was Space Station No.8, and the cat cafe’s name was Nyanko Cafe.
Space Station No.8 (often shortened to SS8) was home to two major companies: Pinecone Packing and Shinestar Shipping. The station merely served as a transport hub to deliver goods between Yoony and other space stations, primarily Space Station No.9 (SS9). About half of SS8 citizens worked in one of those two companies. Most of the others worked in various essential local sectors, such as construction, healthcare or jobs for the government. And then there were the non-essential, insignificant businesses such as Nyanko Cafe.
However, all of that information about SS8 was actually insignificant, as Nori, one of the owners of Nyanko Cafe, was about to find out. Nori and her friend Kai started the business five years ago and have run the business together ever since. To them, Nyanko Cafe was very significant, despite being an insignificant business on an insignificant space station. Nori was watching TV in her house when the clock struck midnight, and she received the most significant piece of news since the opening of Nyanko Cafe over five years ago.
Every single TV channel in SS8 switched to the breaking news at exactly 12 am, as if it was the end of the world. And that’s because, technically, it was.
🐈 🐈 🐈
Anime Channel 15: Live Broadcast Transcript
12:00am, Monday, November 30, 2399
News Reporter: Hello, and we are sorry to interrupt your regular programme. This is an important official announcement from the government of Space Station No.8n that Space Station No.8 is closing. Due to the insignificance of our space station in the transport industry, the international community has deemed it inefficient and too expensive. We are seeing less and less demand as all kinds of sentient species are increasingly relying on the newer and much larger Space Station No.10 for their transport demands. Our total GDP is 3% of Space Station No.10’s GDP, and this will continue to fall over time.
Because Space Station No.7 is almost filled to the maximum capacity of people, the Space Station No.8 government along with Shinestar Shipping and Pinecone Packaging have decided to purchase land on the surface of Space Station No.9. Shinestar Shipping and Pinecone Packaging have each bought private land for their own employees. If you are from one of these two companies, your employer will provide you with information regarding the change. Because these two businesses are the most significant in Space Station No.8, their executives have been informed and consulted beforehand. Land for other businesses have been collectively bought by the Space Station No.8 government. If you are not from Shinestar Shipping or Pinecone Packaging, we will soon launch a website that allows you to view your designated piece of land on Space Station No.9, approximately equal to the size of your current land on Space Station No.8.
The government of Space Station No.8 will dissolve at 12am on January 1, 2400. Unless you migrate to another country, you will automatically be granted citizenship of Space Station No.9. We have worked with their government to ensure migrants have a place to stay. The Space Station No.8 government will fund transport costs for migrants to Space Station No.9.
Thanks for listening to this announcement. You can find out more on our website at https://termination.gov.ss8. Regular programmes will resume now.
🐈 🐈 🐈
Nori switched off the TV, along with probably half of SS8’s population.
Space Station No.9 was a much bigger place than the tiny transport hub Nori was used to. And although she would be sent to the Surface of SS9, instead of the dangerous Underground, she knew the future of Nyanko Cafe was uncertain.
Nori and Kai, the owners of Nyanko Cafe, were young and bubbly, and together with twelve cats and an enthusiastic team of staff they always put a smile on the faces of anyone who walked into the cafe. Entry into the cafe was free, so most people just came in to play with the cats, and the place became very popular in SS8. People would regularly go to Nyanko Cafe as a leisure place, and it was a really good one. Some people bought human food or cat food as well, and because of its local popularity the cafe made a decent amount of profit. That was their business model, and it worked here, but would it work in SS9? Would anyone ever stop by a building full of cats and decide to actually buy food? The inhabitants of SS9’s surface were busy contract workers, so would they have time to go to a random cafe? And why would they go to Nyanko Cafe when so many other cafes already exist in such a large city?
Nori took a deep breath and looked out the window of her bedroom. Her apartment unit was high above the ground, so she could see the entire space station from the window. The space station’s global artificial lighting was turned off as it was midnight, but there were buildings everywhere with lights that looked like little dots on the ground. Beyond about a kilometer of land, there was a huge metal wall, a boundary of the city that could never be expanded. It was a tiny indoor city with a border that could always be seen. And it was an insignificant city, but to Nori there was nowhere in the universe more significant than Space Station No.8, a city so insignificant it would no longer exist in a month.
Like many people in SS8 that night, Nori’s head was filled with thoughts about the uncertain future as she slowly drifted asleep.
I can visually see the characters somewhat, but it is not exact description.
Realized there isn't much narrative from characters, which honestly, I do like. Don't know if that changes later on, but so far, you have not "overused" it. Though, I guess that is just my personal taste.
I think I know the issue and why the first book was more successful at the start. When there was a clear order in the last book, the one who's currently writing has the pressure to actually do it, as others are waiting for him. Here, there are no obligations.Wimpy Cursed wrote: 3z85k
I will give someone a smooch if you write a chapter
(Man what happened to the cat one)
Yeah, that's fair.Corne2Plum3 wrote: 3y1z1p
Was kinda sad that I feel like even before it started the low motivation of most people, and the fact that in 2 chapters no one talked about my book made me doubt about who actually read it. If it's just 3 ppl this isn't worth the effort
Personally, I didn't think my would be of any use to anyone.
Still have no clue on it, but I did try later on.
I will probably read your two chapters after I am done with school today.
I know I am late to it but I am going to put some edits in and leave comments afterwards.
Ok, so I did edit a bit of it and gave suggestions in the box. Just find the strike outs and bold characters.
I know that this is for fun in general, but there were some texts that were not proper words, more like slangs. You can ignore this if you want. Also, please change your way of dialog.
Anyway I like where the story is going. You do well in guiding the reader of the setting and characterizing.
I like the development of the MC, having to deal with a new difficulty soon; not being able to hunt. I wonder how far this character would go in the station with fellow students and what the MC will do with the knowledge.
I also asked myself on why the MC wanted to get into the tech stuff, something that appears to be abnormal for his fellow species.
I will read your second chapter tomorrow (or the next day, I don't know).
And if my edits have annoyed you, great! That means you care.
Putting it on hold.
Not entirely sure if you are seeing this.
corne2plum3 chapter:
Chapter 1: Native student from a wild moon
Moon 6.2: Awoomun / Villeloup-Sur-Mer / Fluffy’s hut
2310/04/21 18:43 UTC+2 (Yoony’s time converted)
It’s (use its or "it has". The current sentence sounds like "It is been".) been 2 hours since I've been doing my homework for tomorrow, doing mathematics, studying functions with several variables and integrating functions, getting weirder and weirder as I do my exercises. In my head, it
was (use current words instead of past. So an example would be "it is".) like “how am I supposed to get the antiderivative of this function” or “what are the boundaries? Why the integration is on a fucking sphere…?” I’m a young adult already, but my studies aren’t over. Anyways I(1) think I(2) worked enough, I’m(3) almost done with my homework but right now I'm(4) hungry, and I(5) need to move. (Can use rephrasing.)
I look at the window. Despite living in an immense tree, above the majority of the foliage (interesting word choice, I like the vocabulary), my personal hut(which is quite modern thinking about it) (Personally to me you do not need the brackets) is about 80 meters above the floor, and I can see the sun in the distance about to set, and also the immense planet, Kepler, that our moon, Awoomun, rotates around. I think it’s time for me to go outside and get my food.
I decide to leave my hut, climb down the stairs which are just wooden boards or platforms stuck on the large truck of the tree. I go down to reach the floor and walk across the pathway. The pathway is surrounded by immense trees with huts attached to these, either against the trunk or hidden in the foliage, which hide a large part of the sky, but still let some sunlight go through. There are also some wooden platforms that link some huts between them, allowing us to move between trees without having to go down then up, which iskinda (kind of) annoying as some trees can reach 100 meters tall here. Some trunks have entire buildings attached to their trees, with apartments on them.
Clearly (Trying changing this. Remove words with "ly" to them.) the constructions are adapted to the trees, which are almost untouched. At the end, from the ground up, it’s like a giant forest with huts of various sizes attached to the trees and platform. It’s
kinda easy to get lost, I it it…
I walk alone across the pathway, which is just some rocky pavement and grass, and see a few humans, next to a much larger number of fellow grosloups. We’re basically furred creatures, with a muzzle, triangular ears, large teeth, long claws that we can expand and partially hide, and a big and fluffy tail. We’re both bipedal and quadrupedal at the same time. With our very long arms (the same size as our legs), we can move on both 2 and 4 paws in ease. And next to the humans… we’re dwarfing them a bit: we’re almost twice their size on average, and we have overall a stronger and more intimidating build.Personally I often see humans that are the same size as me when I stand on all fours. I’m 3.36 meters tall when standing on 2 paws, which is relatively tall, knowing that the average height for adults is 3.10 meters for males and 2.80 meters for females. Humans often compare us to their wolves on their planet, Yoony, but much bigger and more dangerous… I’ve seen some pictures of wolves from Yoony and I agree they
kinda look like us.
I walk for a few hundred meters, seeing on my left the sun falling (I feel like this sentence can be stronger. Sometimes you do not need to have "ing". It feels more natural to read.) with a large view of the ocean, only about 200 meters away, and on my right the other large trees of the forest spreading for dozens of kilometers. Then I reach the border of the city, which is just some fences and a large door which is currently wide open. There are 2 grosloups next to the door, to ensure no wild animals enter the city. Because I’m still in the middle of the forest. I’m getting more and more hungry, but I keep walking to get my food.
And how do I get my food? In the old fashion way which is hunting. I didn’t bring any weapons with me, because this is unnecessary. Like other grosloups, my body isliterally made for hunting and killing. We’re in fact the apex predator of the whole planet, at the top of the food chain, and we don’t have any natural predators. We
mostly need to eat meat every day so that’s why we hunt down some prey. Yes, we have some farms, I could just go to a shop and buy some food, but we’re attached to a lot of our traditions and environment, and as predators, hunting is part of our culture. Even with the technology that the humans brought with them when they entered our planet 200 years ago, we still prefer hunting using our body only, and
eventually with a few primitive weapons, such as bows or slingshots. Even the kids learn to hunt at a very young age.
As I get more and more away from the city, I’m now in an area where I could get some prey to feed myself. I smell the air around, and detect an isolated prey about 200 meters away from me. I get on all fours and let my senses guide me to my prey. I don’t hesitate to smell the air, the ground, and be careful of every sound around me.I walk at a slower and quieter pace (Rephrase by removing the word "walking". Such as "At a slow, quiet pace..." or something different) as I get closer to my prey, until I
finally spot it. It’s a quadrupedal animal with 2 pairs of horns, brown and white fur, and about 1.8 meters in length. It’s
currently drinking water from a small river,
clearly not aware of my presence. It looks
really delicious, I’m about to drool if I keep looking at it.
Hidden behind bushes and trees, Islowly (I am starting to question who edited your work) approach the drinking animal,
completely (About to start a counter) unaware of my presence. Once it finishes drinking, I’m behind it. Then in a sudden, I charge towards the prey to catch it and kill it. As it hears the sound of my footsteps approaching it at a very fast pace, it starts to run away, but I won’t let my meal escape me that
easily (1) of course, so I chase it. It is quite agile and can easily over through small bushes, but I keep it in my sight. It runs quite fast but I’m
even (Maybe rephrase this line. Feel like it could be simple or stronger.) faster. About 50 seconds of running and avoiding the obstacles, I managed to hit one of his rear legs with my very sharp claws, making it collapse on the floor. And
finally (2), while the poor prey is trying to get up, I pounce on him, digging my claws
deeply (3) in his skin and biting his neck. I even feel my teeth breaking some of his bones. I pull with my maw some of his flesh, and give it a final blow, ending his suffering.
I take a deep breath, happy that I managed to get my food for tonight, and in my first try too!This (Hunting) isn’t
usually (4)
that (this) easy everyday, it’s common for me, like everyone, to miss their prey. As my belly growls again, I start eating the animal I’ve just killed, swallowing chunks of its flesh. I know it’s raw, but my species can digest uncooked meat with ease. It’s
literally (5) the base of our alimentation. The blood combined with the fresh meat is just delicious, I like it. I fill my stomach with all of this meat until I’m full.
When I’m done, I’ve not even eaten half of the available flesh. I decide to use my claws to tear more meat, and put it in a bag, I’ll consume it later. It’s common to do that, taking as much as we can with a killed prey, to limit the amount of animals we kill. We take the respect of nature veryseriously (6. Fury builds up the soul), and we know killing too much will bring nothing but problems.
Finally (7) full, I go back home, to put the 20 kilograms of meat I collected into the fridge. It's almost
the night. But I’d like to drink something before going to sleep. I put on my dark cloak that covers my upper body and my thighs, and go outside.
(I) Walk across the city, still in the middle of the forest, and in a few minutes, I end up in a street, with still immense trees and buildings attached to it, and some places inside the trunks, as the tree trunks are very thick. In this street, there are several shops and restaurants. The lights from those plus the yellow and orange spheres in the middle of the street light up this place. The bar I want to visit is called “La Lune Bleue”, inside a gigantic tree, where the bottom of the trunk looks like a peer. It’s also wide open, there are a few tables and chairs outside. It provides in my opinion very good drinks, and I can’t believe it has been 2 weeks since I last visited this place.
I recognize this place with this large wooden plate with the bar name, and below, the name of the owner and the bartender, Jericho ‘Ricard’ Lunebleue (nice name), a quite muscular and a bit old grosloup. We have quite an original way to name people by the way: first you have your first name, given at your birth, at the end your last name, which is the same as your parents, and at the middle, the surname, which we can choose when we reach 16 years old. It can be whatever you want(as long it’s appropriate
), you can even use objects name, or a random sequence of letters and numbers, but the most important is, the combination first name + surname + last name must be unique, if it’s already taken, even if the grosloup is dead, you can’t pick it and have to choose something else. In usage, the surname is mostly used to call each other, although in more formal conversation we use first + last name, and below 16 years old
(when you don't have a surname
), you're called by your first name.
The furred bartender looks at me while cleaning a glass, then recognizes me:
Ricard: (This strike out goes for all the sections that are labeled like this. Try to incorporate conversations that are not formatted like this, and without putting "he/she says or similar lines.) “So is it you, Lykaon ‘Fluffy’ Clairdelune, that student with gray fur and with that dark cloak?”
Fluffy: “Yes,” I reply.
Ricard: “It’s been quite a long time since the last time I saw you, Fluffy. So tell me, what do you want?”
Fluffy: “An mangorange juice without alcohol please.”
Ricard: “I'm making you a glass mangorange juice for you right now.”
Ricard makes the fruit juice for me. It tastes like what humans call in their planet “orange” and “mango” fruits at the same time, that’s why it’s called like this. Then I pay him and get my glass of 1.5 liters of juice. Then I begin to drink it. I missed this fruity taste, so unique and so delicious. While drinking, Ricard wants to talk with me for a bit (You can put this in the same paragraph as the quote as there isn't another character talking in dialog)
Ricard: “Tell me Fluffy, how are things going in your studies at the science academy of Villeloup-Sur-Mer? I guess it must be quite difficult…”
Fluffy: “It’s fine. I it it, this isn’t easy. It’s different from high-school, you have to study complex systems and do complicated math. It’s much harder than learning to hunt for meat.”
Ricard: “I don’t even understand what you're doing at the science academy by just looking at your books, so I can't really help you if needed… Anyways, something new has happened or is going to happen?”
I think for a second.
Fluffy: “Oh yes, last week I learned that with my group, we’re going to be transfer students, at the Space Station No. 9.”
He doesn't seem to trust me at first.
Ricard: “The Space Station No.9, really? The huge station in the stars that a lot of humans are talking about, and in a way the hub of the whole solar system?”
Fluffy: “Yes. I don't know when exactly, it should be within the next week. I’ll leave Awoomun for the first time of my life, I can't wait!”
Ricard: “I can understand. I discussed it with a small human - they’re all small notgonna (going to) lie - and he said that life is far from Awoomun. You see, our moon is mostly forest with a big ocean in the middle? In the space station, everything is enclosed in large walls, there aren't too many plants, and the wildlife is almost nonexistent…”
Fluffy: “I’ve seen some pictures, I know. It’s not a place you would expect ‘wild’ creatures like usliving in (suggestion: "To live in"), but I don't think it won't be really (8) a problem for me…”
Ricard: “Really (9)? You know you’ll have to keep your instincts because you can’t hunt?”
Fluffy: “I know. We’re the only intelligent species that still hunt for food thinking about it…”
Ricard: “And what you're going to do once here?”
Fluffy: “I’m going to study like other students at the Space Station No.9, with some other interplanetary species and some local students, in a science and technology related school. At my school at Awoomun, they think an experience outside of our moon would greatly benefit us.”
Ricard: “I agree. We’reclearly (10) not into technological stuff here, really, when I see clients that aren't grosloups, it looks like they’re coming from the future…”
I finished drinking my fruit juice.
Fluffy: “Yeah. Anyways, it’s almost night now so I’m going to leave. Thank you for the juice, it was delicious.”
Ricard: “I knew you would love it, Fluffy.”
Fluffy: “True lol. Seeya. (?)”
I leave the bar and I walk towards my hut. I don't want to go to sleep too late as I have classes tomorrow, and tomorrow they startreally (11) early. Nothing interesting
really(12) happens when moving across the pathways, or climbing the wooden boards and platforms to reach my home.
My hut looks like a small wooden house, at the higher levels of the tree, so I have a nice view of the sky; however I barely see what’s below the foliage… If I look very far to the west, I can see the ocean. The sky is clear, no clouds around, and the light from the huts around doesn’t ruin the view. We can see a very large blue circle that covers a large part of the sky. This is Kepler, the 6th planet of the solar system (from the closest to the furthest to the sun), an immense gas planet, at least 10 times the size of Awoomun. It has dozens of moons, including a very few habitables. Some of them are even visible. I don’t see the Space Station No.9, it is a relatively small object compared to the immensity (try something different) of the solar system, and it’s several millions kilometers away. After looking at the sky, I go back to my bed, and
slowly (13) start to fall asleep.
Moon 6.2: Awoomun / Villeloup-Sur-Mer / Fluffy’s hut
2310/04/21 18:43 UTC+2 (Yoony’s time converted)
I look at the window. Despite living in an immense tree, above the majority of the foliage (interesting word choice, I like the vocabulary), my personal hut
I decide to leave my hut, climb down the stairs which are just wooden boards or platforms stuck on the large truck of the tree. I go down to reach the floor and walk across the pathway. The pathway is surrounded by immense trees with huts attached to these, either against the trunk or hidden in the foliage, which hide a large part of the sky, but still let some sunlight go through. There are also some wooden platforms that link some huts between them, allowing us to move between trees without having to go down then up, which is
I walk alone across the pathway, which is just some rocky pavement and grass, and see a few humans, next to a much larger number of fellow grosloups. We’re basically furred creatures, with a muzzle, triangular ears, large teeth, long claws that we can expand and partially hide, and a big and fluffy tail. We’re both bipedal and quadrupedal at the same time. With our very long arms (the same size as our legs), we can move on both 2 and 4 paws in ease. And next to the humans… we’re dwarfing them a bit: we’re almost twice their size on average, and we have overall a stronger and more intimidating build.
I walk for a few hundred meters, seeing on my left the sun fall
And how do I get my food? In the old fashion way which is hunting. I didn’t bring any weapons with me, because this is unnecessary. Like other grosloups, my body is
As I get more and more away from the city, I’m now in an area where I could get some prey to feed myself. I smell the air around, and detect an isolated prey about 200 meters away from me. I get on all fours and let my senses guide me to my prey. I don’t hesitate to smell the air, the ground, and be careful of every sound around me.
Hidden behind bushes and trees, I
I take a deep breath, happy that I managed to get my food for tonight, and in my first try too!
When I’m done, I’ve not even eaten half of the available flesh. I decide to use my claws to tear more meat, and put it in a bag, I’ll consume it later. It’s common to do that, taking as much as we can with a killed prey, to limit the amount of animals we kill. We take the respect of nature very
(I) Walk across the city, still in the middle of the forest, and in a few minutes, I end up in a street, with still immense trees and buildings attached to it, and some places inside the trunks, as the tree trunks are very thick. In this street, there are several shops and restaurants. The lights from those plus the yellow and orange spheres in the middle of the street light up this place. The bar I want to visit is called “La Lune Bleue”, inside a gigantic tree, where the bottom of the trunk looks like a peer. It’s also wide open, there are a few tables and chairs outside. It provides in my opinion very good drinks, and I can’t believe it has been 2 weeks since I last visited this place.
I recognize this place with this large wooden plate with the bar name, and below, the name of the owner and the bartender, Jericho ‘Ricard’ Lunebleue (nice name), a quite muscular and a bit old grosloup. We have quite an original way to name people by the way: first you have your first name, given at your birth, at the end your last name, which is the same as your parents, and at the middle, the surname, which we can choose when we reach 16 years old. It can be whatever you want
The furred bartender looks at me while cleaning a glass, then recognizes me:
Fluffy: “Yes,” I reply.
Ricard: “It’s been quite a long time since the last time I saw you, Fluffy. So tell me, what do you want?”
Fluffy: “An mangorange juice without alcohol please.”
Ricard: “I'm making you a glass mangorange juice for you right now.”
Ricard makes the fruit juice for me. It tastes like what humans call in their planet “orange” and “mango” fruits at the same time, that’s why it’s called like this. Then I pay him and get my glass of 1.5 liters of juice. Then I begin to drink it. I missed this fruity taste, so unique and so delicious. While drinking, Ricard wants to talk with me for a bit (You can put this in the same paragraph as the quote as there isn't another character talking in dialog)
Ricard: “Tell me Fluffy, how are things going in your studies at the science academy of Villeloup-Sur-Mer? I guess it must be quite difficult…”
Fluffy: “It’s fine. I it it, this isn’t easy. It’s different from high-school, you have to study complex systems and do complicated math. It’s much harder than learning to hunt for meat.”
Ricard: “I don’t even understand what you're doing at the science academy by just looking at your books, so I can't really help you if needed… Anyways, something new has happened or is going to happen?”
I think for a second.
Fluffy: “Oh yes, last week I learned that with my group, we’re going to be transfer students, at the Space Station No. 9.”
He doesn't seem to trust me at first.
Ricard: “The Space Station No.9, really? The huge station in the stars that a lot of humans are talking about, and in a way the hub of the whole solar system?”
Fluffy: “Yes. I don't know when exactly, it should be within the next week. I’ll leave Awoomun for the first time of my life, I can't wait!”
Ricard: “I can understand. I discussed it with a small human - they’re all small not
Fluffy: “I’ve seen some pictures, I know. It’s not a place you would expect ‘wild’ creatures like us
Ricard: “
Fluffy: “I know. We’re the only intelligent species that still hunt for food thinking about it…”
Ricard: “And what you're going to do once here?”
Fluffy: “I’m going to study like other students at the Space Station No.9, with some other interplanetary species and some local students, in a science and technology related school. At my school at Awoomun, they think an experience outside of our moon would greatly benefit us.”
Ricard: “I agree. We’re
I finished drinking my fruit juice.
Fluffy: “Yeah. Anyways, it’s almost night now so I’m going to leave. Thank you for the juice, it was delicious.”
Ricard: “I knew you would love it, Fluffy.”
Fluffy: “True lol. Seeya. (?)”
I leave the bar and I walk towards my hut. I don't want to go to sleep too late as I have classes tomorrow, and tomorrow they start
My hut looks like a small wooden house, at the higher levels of the tree, so I have a nice view of the sky; however I barely see what’s below the foliage… If I look very far to the west, I can see the ocean. The sky is clear, no clouds around, and the light from the huts around doesn’t ruin the view. We can see a very large blue circle that covers a large part of the sky. This is Kepler, the 6th planet of the solar system (from the closest to the furthest to the sun), an immense gas planet, at least 10 times the size of Awoomun. It has dozens of moons, including a very few habitables. Some of them are even visible. I don’t see the Space Station No.9, it is a relatively small object compared to the immensi
Ok, so I did edit a bit of it and gave suggestions in the box. Just find the strike outs and bold characters.
I know that this is for fun in general, but there were some texts that were not proper words, more like slangs. You can ignore this if you want. Also, please change your way of dialog.
Anyway I like where the story is going. You do well in guiding the reader of the setting and characterizing.
I like the development of the MC, having to deal with a new difficulty soon; not being able to hunt. I wonder how far this character would go in the station with fellow students and what the MC will do with the knowledge.
I also asked myself on why the MC wanted to get into the tech stuff, something that appears to be abnormal for his fellow species.
I will read your second chapter tomorrow (or the next day, I don't know).
And if my edits have annoyed you, great! That means you care.
Putting it on hold.
Not entirely sure if you are seeing this.
The reasons why I think it failed:
1: no pressure since no queue
2: Last book was more collaborative since the story is same. It really help and motivated Collab writer like me, corne, keremaru, yyottacat. Since we were on a Collab and there is queue, we gotta work on the story.
3: restrictions was more fun since you gotta create your story on a original story someone else created and in some way you have to think less about the story, you can leave it at a flow.
4: Before active s were way more active or I say effort putting.
5: less people are interested so writers also don't have any motivation.
1: no pressure since no queue
2: Last book was more collaborative since the story is same. It really help and motivated Collab writer like me, corne, keremaru, yyottacat. Since we were on a Collab and there is queue, we gotta work on the story.
3: restrictions was more fun since you gotta create your story on a original story someone else created and in some way you have to think less about the story, you can leave it at a flow.
4: Before active s were way more active or I say effort putting.
5: less people are interested so writers also don't have any motivation.
If you find people to do it with you can do that and it would be part of the library like any other story.B0ii wrote: 33m13
Okay now feel free to burn me at the stake for this but since there aren't many stories in here so far we should return to the old system that was used in the first ot!book
I don't think many people would be interested though.
idk, even if we return to it, it would be a failure anyways. If the only people to get this running is to force people to actually do stuff, then it's not worth it +, at the end of the lifespan, we only had like 1 chapter every two monthsB0ii wrote: 33m13
Okay now feel free to burn me at the stake for this but since there aren't many stories in here so far we should return to the old system that was used in the first ot!book
Most of it comes down to interest and commitment to writing. Clearly, most people don't have that.
And to get people committed, they need to be motivated. But with people not interested in writing itself, it can reduce the amount of readers as well, thus leading to less (if at all).
And to get people committed, they need to be motivated. But with people not interested in writing itself, it can reduce the amount of readers as well, thus leading to less (if at all).
Side note
If this is still going to take place after awhile, I might take a chance at this format. I don't necessarily care about myself, although it would help a ton. But I would rather want to be motiving people even if it takes multiple chapters to do so.
Also the format isn't the worst, it will at least get my lazy ass to start writing some longer shit again
Also the format isn't the worst, it will at least get my lazy ass to start writing some longer shit again
being in the news was cool
but all things must end
... news which I wrote myself LMAOkeremaru wrote: 3r6e2u
we had some fun times
being in the news was cool
but all things must end